Why haven’t I felt like writing lately, everything is seeming like one enormous task after another. Where did all of my, get a million plus 1 things done motivation go? The wheels in my head just aren’t turning like they used to, I’m feeling as if I left my brain at Kroger and its gonna take weeks to get it back. What is this feeling? I Hate It!! I haven’t felt like my self in days. I’m starting to worry that I don’t even know who me is any more.
After kicking and screaming through these days I realize that it’s just my god damn hormones yet again knocking on the door. Only this time they’ve come in the form of an evil spirit or something trying to over throw my happiness.
I often think about the little tests that life tends to put us through. I think about why horrible things happen to great people, why does a perfect family lose their mother or a runner lose one of his legs. Is there a reason that we are put through such pain in a certain ironic way. Maybe I’m being put through one of those tests for accomplishing so much already this year. Can life be to good? Or do hormones really cause such deep state of depression for some on a monthly basis.
This is something I am really struggling with i’m hoping to get through it with out alienating all of my loved ones. I have been complaining about this for what seems like too long. I’m almost feeling like a bad person, complaining endlessly about something that maybe happens to some women all the time. I feel so lost and sad that my daughter is having to see me like this. That’s the one thing I feel worst about, how well can she pick up how I’m feeling? How much does a mothers mood affect their 1 year old? She seems happy as ever and she is learning so much I’m nearly baffled that she had made such strides while I feel like I’ve been moving in slow motion.
It’s even harder to be feeling like I have to go through this on my own. Living in Ann Arbor makes finding new friends with children at my age a very difficult task. Most of the other mothers around my age are single and their life style is drastically different. Being a stay at home mom in Ann Arbor is very rare and I really miss having friends to talk to about BS. Sure I have my husband but he has a hard time understanding why I am crying about the broken vacuum.
I’m slowly trying to dig my self out of this deep dark whole, hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel and I will learn something from these emotions. When I start to feel normal I can mark this whole week in the calendar and hope to prepare for its arrival some how, that I haven’t quite figured out yet. Writing all of my emotions down here will hopefully rid my body and brain of some of the crap. I already have a life time supply of chocolate, cookies,wine, bubble bath, and candles to soften the blow. I hope that will do the trick other wise I guess ill have to keep faith in myself and try to get lots of exercise. Wish me luck.